


Redemption

by unsteadylight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x20, Dean sort of reciprocates, Fix It, M/M, cas saves dean, first night back at the bunker, i refuse to believe Cas would let Dean die impaled on a nail, late-night cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:01:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27795031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsteadylight/pseuds/unsteadylight
Summary: The first night was the hardest.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 53





	Redemption

The first night was the hardest.

When they arrived at the bunker, Dean headed straight for his room. Cas hesitated for a moment before he took off in the same direction, while Sam stayed behind to fix himself some food.

Dean waited until it was just the two of them. His voice was shaking, when he asked "Wanna sleep in my room tonight?" Cas nodded.

Dean thought that it would be easier by now. Cas was back. He told him how he felt. But instead of the relief that washed over him immediately after his confession, he now felt - well, unsure, terrified, and possibly a little horny. It was a slightly confusing mess up in his noggin.

He didn’t know what to do, where to look, or how to act. And Cas, well, he was being Cas - he just stood there awkwardly, right in the middle of the room.

Dean was suddenly too aware of how every movement caused him pain. He felt it deep in his bones - it was seeping in slowly from the exhaustion. He wanted to lie down, curl up with the blankets and sleep until the end of days.

He shook off his jacket and draped it over the back of his chair. "Don't just stand there, Cas. At least take off the coat." Castiel did as he was told. "And the jacket," he followed the orders wordlessly, "and the tie."

Well, this is not awkward at all, thought Dean as he watched Cas balancing the pieces of clothing he just took off in his hands. "I'll give you some spare PJs of mine." He decided, at last. “Thank you.” Cas kept his tone quiet, almost apprehensive. After Dean threw him a pair of clean pants and T-shirt, they both changed in their respective corners. Cas kept getting further and further away in the room.

Dean wondered what kind of vibe he must have been putting out, if it made the angel quiver away from him. It made him a bit angry too - hell, he would like to make Cas walk around in his shoes and try to navigate the conflicting emotions in his head - that would show him, that would make him understand how utterly insulting it is, when he looks at him like he’s scared of him, and for what? What did he do to him, beside asking him to be his, although maybe he didn’t word it that way, maybe he didn’t tell him exactly how he felt, but still that didn’t give him the right to look at him like that. And he should be furious with him anyway, all he ever does is just sacrifice himself, when no one asks him to, and he made Dean feel like -

‘Are you okay, Dean?’ His inner turmoil was interrupted when Cas spoke.

All the fight left him at once. He should say something, because Cas is not dead. Cas is not in the Empty. He had to repeat that in his head until he believed it.

He slumped down on the edge of the bed. ‘Hell, Cas, I’m just so exhausted.’

Castiel sat down next to him. ‘I know. Me too.’ And it was true. The past few days had been challenging for him as well, to put it lightly. He was still trying to wrap his head around Jack being God, his own confession to Dean and well, what it all meant, now that he was not in the Empty anymore. ‘Dean, I -’

Dean didn’t let him finish. ‘No, listen, Cas. Let’s just sleep, okay? I mean, all of this’ he motioned with his hand in the space between the two of them, ‘is still going to be here tomorrow. We can talk until we’re blue in the face.’

It’s a good idea, Dean thought. Cas is here. He can watch out for him. Make sure he’s not going anywhere. The rest can wait.

‘Okay.’ Cas rubbed his thighs. ‘We can sleep. I’m not sure I need sleep,’ he added as an afterthought, ‘but I can stay here with you.’

‘That’s cool with me.’ Really, it was all he’d ever -

Crap, was it always this hard to form coherent thoughts? It seemed he forgot how to think. And that might as well be true. He’d felt so disconnected from his own self lately, well, ever since they defeated Chuck, and it wasn’t getting any better. Perhaps, it was all these head injuries finally catching up with him. Or maybe it was this one angel - who thought the world of him, who loved him and gave everything for him - the one being in the entire universe that made him feel like he was worth something. He didn’t expect that. Dean wasn’t blind, he knew Cas loved him in his own way, but he never believed angels experienced emotions the way humans did. But then again, he was not an angel, so he could hardly compare. But it did raise some doubts in his head. Did Cas even know what he said? Did he understand the implications? And did he know what it meant when Dean revealed his own feelings?

Cas moved up the bed and made himself comfortable on his pillow.

Sleep, right. Dean took a deep breath and slid under the covers next to him. He turned off the bedside lamp. They laid there facing each other, not touching, but very close.

‘I’m scared, Dean.’ Cas whispered.

‘Why?’ Dean wasn’t sure what monsters were there left to be scared of.

‘That I made things weird,’ he used one of his hands to make an air quote ‘and awkward.’

Dean took a deep breath. ‘I told you how I felt Cas.’

‘But you don’t seem too happy about it-’ he was looking at him like he knew him better than he knew himself. ‘And I don’t want you to push me away.’

‘I’m not gonna do that, Cas.’ God, did he need to shut his eyes and shut his brain and just not exist for a bit. He didn’t understand it himself, why he felt so drained and depressed, why he wasn’t content like Sammy seemed, and happy, oh so happy they were finally free. Why was there this hole inside of him, something that even Jack’s powers couldn’t fix? He had no answer, just that it was there and he had to deal with it - finally, after all this time. But hell, maybe it was a good thing. Maybe he had a chance to really fix his life. Fix himself. How does he explain that to Cas? He had hope. If he dug deeper, he might even find a little bit of excitement. But he needed rest, and time, and…’Cas, I’m not going to leave you. I need you.’ His guardian angel.

He touched the side of his face. Touched their foreheads together. He breathed the air that Cas did. It was new and also familiar and he wanted to drown in the moment. He really needed Cas to stay. Really needed it, more than Castiel could possibly imagine, because he didn’t know what kind of broken sounds were leaving Dean when the Empty took his best friend, right before his eyes, he didn’t know that Dean hated the sobs and the pleas and how he begged God to bring him back and how God said no - he didn’t know and he should know, maybe if he did, he would never, ever leave again.

Dean’s eyes were shut closed. He had to keep it together. ‘You’re gonna be okay, Dean.’ Cas wiped away the stray tears off his cheek.

He nodded and reached for Cas’s hand, holding it in place. It was warm and it was familiar and goddamnit, it was home. The first night was the hardest. But Cas was here. Cas was not in the empty anymore. Dean was gonna be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


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